Ah, July. Time to grab a towel, a chair and head for the beach with a couple of thick magazines. I’m not talking about men's mags like Playboy or even Maxim, which Maureen Dowd recently trashed because she couldn’t find anything interesting to say about Bill Clinton. No, I’m talking about ëzines that men (namely, me) read to find out what’s up with women. Like Cosmo and Allure.
    Cosmo used to be content with its working-girl-wears-fishnet-stockings-and-meets-Mr. Right hopetimism, but there's been an arms (and legs and breasts) race in this category recently, which brings me to this month's Allure featuring "49 Ways to Fake a Tan," "Hollywood's Hottest Bodies," and "Catherine Zeta-Jones: Not Exactly the Dog's Dinner" Which nobody can deny, and so what. But then this: "Medical Breakthrough: Battery Powered Bra Enlarges Breasts" And you’re still reading Penthouse?
    According to this "Allure News Bulletin," Candice Not Her Real Name wore two hard plastic domes about an inch deeper than her breasts for 10 hours a day for 10 straight weeks. So did Madonna, but Candice's were attached to a power pack which vacuum sucked the air out of the domes, drawing the breasts forward. This caused breast tissue and nerves to grow and at the end of the 10 weeks (could this be the sequel to "8 Weeks"?), Candice's bosoms advanced forthwith from a Dixie Cup 34A to a Slurpee 34B. Not only that, but she was able to pick up Bubba the Love Sponge on an FM station in Tampa.
    As you can imagine, doctors at the University of Miami abandoned their heart and gall bladder patients and leapt into action. Using plaster casts, MRIs, poolside displacement tests, and the always reliable Italian Leather Sofa, these brave physicians proved real tissue growth by the eighth week. In fact, the 15 women in the study averaged a 55 percent increase in breast volume, or one full cup size. And you’re still reading Maureen Dowd?
    The Bio-Mechanica Bra should be available by the end of the year from gynecologists, plastic surgeons, and Circuit City. Think of the possibilities. Sears could come out with the Die Hard, the bra that will start your engine when Playtex won’t. Sarah McLachlan could strap one on and power the entire Lilith Fair, saving precious natural resources. For the outdoor set, Coleman could introduce the "Happy Camper," a model that will not only run your TV, but keep the beer cold too. Now that’s girl power.
    And men will never have to again wonder if they're real, but may ask, Gee, honey is that a D cell you’re wearing or are you just happy to see me?

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