l. Talk to each other, face to face. This is not as simple as it sounds, particularly since e-mail offers a good cop-out — and anonymity — for the discomforts of personal confrontations. Moreover, with e-mail, you can’t read body language and expression. Go directly to the person whose behavior you are concerned about. And no complaining to everyone else first.
    2. Talk in a private place. There's no environment that encourages rumor and gossip as much as the workplace. Talk where you won’t be overheard. If you want the conversation to be confidential, say so up front: "I hope I can speak to you in confidence about something that concerns me very much." Best: head for a cup of coffee, completely away from the office.
    3. Focus on behavior and events, not personalities. Don't dredge up the whole history of the problems. Avoid saying things like, "You always behave inappropriately towards me." Describe the particular event that illustrates the problem from your perspective.
    4. Use "I" statements. Explain how things are affecting you. This is easier for the other person to hear than statements that attack or blame. For example, "When my promotion was delayed after I had worked so hard to complete my master's degree, I felt like I was being discriminated against since I am the only Hispanic employee here."
    5. Listen without interrupting or reacting. Try not to insert your opinions and reactions. This is not "Larry King Live." If you allow the other person to speak until finished, it is more likely that the same courtesy will be extended to you.
    6. Offer feedback. Repeat back to the other person your take on what he or she said. This will help avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretations. And it will tell you whether your assumptions are in line with what was intended: "When you left the dead cat on my car, I assumed that was a threat against my life. Is that what you meant?"
    7. Identify where you agree and where you disagree. You may be surprised to find that you agree on many issues. Acknowledge this. If you have agreements to build on, the problems may not be so overwhelming.
    8. It won’t kill you to apologize. An apology is a powerful thing. That's what Paula Jones wanted and didn’t get — long before we ever heard of Monica Lewinsky. If you can’t apologize, at least acknowledge the other person's viewpoint. Acknowledging isn’t the same as apologizing, but it has virtually the same effect.
    9. Pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting for. Fighting every battle with equal intensity makes you appear combative, and you won’t be taken seriously.
    l0. Know when you need a professional dispute resolver. In spite of all your best efforts, you may reach an impasse. That's when smart management knows to seek the services of an impartial, neutral mediator. Going outside company turf levels the playing field and reduces perceptions of imbalance and bias.

Betty McManus is an experienced mediator with the San Diego Mediation Center.