In a report sure to start stomachs grumbling, the RAND research institute has discovered that obesity leads to more health problems than smoking. Farmer John, meet Joe Camel.

The famous RAND institute used to reserve its number crunchers for weightier matters, such as how many times the United States and Soviet Union could vaporize each other’s populations. Now the only throw weight that interests RAND is how much weight we’re all throwing around, and though we may look inward to our navels, we may not be able to see our shoes. While downing a Carl's Jr. Superstar, the author of the RAND study said, "Burp….Clearly, there hasn't been enough attention on this problem."

Oh, but there will be. At the minimum, we can expect the Department of Scary Public Service Commercials to outline the shapes of obese corpses in powdered sugar. The food addicted could be seen injecting rib eyes, drowning in swimming pools of chocolate pudding, or rolling around comatose on the floors of Mexican restaurants.

This being a RAND report, the military could contribute by naming a Liposuction General, similar to our charismatic Surgeon Generals. By the way, do you really think there's one general in charge of the nation's surgeons? Are there Surgeon Lieutenants and so on down the line until you come to Surgeon Privates, and who wants to be operated on by them?

Anyway, the Liposuction General could suck in his gut while flipping through maps: "As you can see here, a massive brownie has fanned out over the Northeast and is headed right for our arterial heartland!"

As soon as they swallow their cheesecake, Congress can slap warning labels on Mrs. White's ("White Death") flour, 37 Attorneys General can serve Krispy Kreme in a Klass Action Suit, and consumers can be browbeaten into stuffing all dairy products down the disposal as part of the Great American Cow Out.

Concerned citizen groups will expose the death dealing tactics of the Jack in the Box clown, Col. Sanders and Dave Thomas. In restaurants, meters will be installed to monitor calorie intake. When diners have reached their limits, as determined by the General Accounting Office, a buzzer will alert fellow diners to the gluttony in progress. If citizens cannot monitor themselves, a Munchie Minder will be assigned to follow them through grocery stories, and convenience store clerks will be checking body fat percentages before forking over that bag of Fritos.

Conspiracy theorists will decide the national obesity is due to foreign influence, and the Defense Department will press for a missile defense shield to protect the nation from pate, Swiss cheese and kung pao chicken.

By the way, analysts at the Department of Improbable Solutions recommend that if you’re going to stop eating, you should quit cold turkey, minus the turkey.

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