Today's Pop quiz: Which is the bigger threat?

a) a baseball strike
b) Saddam Hussein
c) Toenail fungus

If you picked, a) a baseball strike, congratulations—your priorities are in line with most Americans. Baseball is our national pastime, and sure beats pastimes such as sitting on the back porch whittling at a stick with a dull knife or playing the Camptown Races on a rusty harmonica. That's because whittling and harmonica playing require a skill of sorts, while baseball is a spectator sport in which the viewer can appear knowledgeable by saying, "Wow, that Barry has big arms, huh?"

Even so, baseball appears like an old dog that should be put out of its misery. Even the players who make an average of $2 million per half annum don’t seem interested. Case in point: the San Diego Padres were playing a game in that hot bed of baseball fever, Montreal. First baseman Ryan Klesko, who makes about $5 million per half annum, forgot to tag first base on a hit to left field. Believing no one would notice, because this is after all, baseball, Klesko trotted into second. The pitcher threw the ball to first and Klesko was called out. No big deal for the Padres, who are so far out of first place that they couldn’t locate it with the Hubble telescope. "It’s just a mental error on my part," Klesko said.

Like outfielder Lucy on Charlie Brown's team, Klesko added, "How many runs did we lose by? Eight? I don’t think it was a big turning point. It’s just part of the game."

Obviously, this guy is suffering from too much baseball. This debilitating condition can be solved by a strike, which would merely require the players to circle their limousines, asking passersby whether they have any Grey Poupon.

The owners, represented by Upper Class Twit of the Year nominee Bud Selig, say they can’t be expected to pay $5 million per half annum to hitters who can’t be bothered to touch first base. The players say it’s bad enough we’re forced to take millions from ultramaroons like Selig, now they want us to touch the bases too. What’s next, sliding?

If you picked b) Saddam Hussein, you've been watching too much Kudlow & Cramer. The Senate foreign relations committee has already held so many hearings on Saddam, it’s a wonder they don’t just call him in to ask him when he would be available for an invasion.

Sen. Biden: "Thank you for appearing today, Sir. We want to topple your regime and we were wondering if we could come up with a date that would be convenient to you."

Saddam: "Thank you, Sen. Biden. I brought along my Day Planner."

Biden: "How about the second week of September?"

Saddam: "No can do. The kids are going back to school and I’m on deadline for my new romance novel."

Biden: "I understand. What about the third week of October?"

Saddam: "Oh, that looks bad too. It’s Weapons of Mass Destruction Week, and the chemical plants are an absolute mess."

Biden: "I see. How's your schedule in November?"

Saddam: "Well, we usually gas the Kurds in November, plus it’s Take A Terrorist to Lunch Week, but let's pencil it in. I’ll have my people call your people. One favor I would ask, Senator: can you do something about this baseball strike? There's nothing on my TV but news, news, news."

If you selected c), you've obviously been watching the commercial that makes toenail fungus sound like having anthrax poured on your Post Toasties. "I tried curing it myself," says the afflicted sufferer. "But then I called my doctor and he said it was an infection…AN INFECTION."

Announcer: "The only cure known to man is PHARMACOL. But you can only get PHARMACOL from your doctor. Do not take PHARMACOL if your Social Security number ends in a nine, or if your name is Bill or Mary. Possible side effects include (mumbles) internal bleeding, liver damage, and heart attacks."

Sufferer: "Hello, doctor? I think I have toenail fungus. It’s AN INFECTION. When can I come in to see you?"

Doctor: "Not in this lifetime. Even if I had an opening, do you think I would admit that I’m waiting around for you to call about your lousy toenail fungus? Get a grip on yourself. Can’t you see there's a baseball strike?"

Rich Acello is a syndicated columnist; you can reach him at richace@cox.net