Remember the Titan Guy?

He’s the ultimate Tennessee fan on the NFL promo. Wakes up Sunday morning, slips on his Eddie George jersey, tapes his remote, and glides into the living room where his buddies have already gathered. Then he grabs some grub that he didn’t prepare, and plops down in front of the set, a portrait of male domestic bliss.

So, with the playoffs in high gear, I thought I’d invite some of my NFL buddies to watch the weekend games with me. First, I called my buddy Bill (Parcells). Initially, he said he was “definitely interested,” but he’d have to bring along a bunch of his friends and that was OK. But then the NFL called and said I might be accused of tampering with buddies already promised to other viewing parties, and much as I like Bill, I didn’t want to cross the National…Football….League, so no Bill.

Then I called Marty (Schottenheimer) and he suggested I meet with his agent in Mobile, Ala. I thought this was an unusual demand inasmuch as I just wanted him to watch some games with me, but I admire Marty, so I went along. No sooner do I arrive in ‘Bama, his agent says I’ll have to take his brother, his son, the brother’s kid Scooter, and the family dog, Earnest. He also wanted those cool Motorola headsets for the whole gang, even the dog.

So I agreed to that, but then some guy named Dan (Snyder) from Washington called and said he was paying Marty millions to watch football games with him, and even though he had fired Marty, I’d have to pay millions if Marty was going to watch games with me. I told Dan that I would supply some buffalo wings, beer, chips, and even a dessert, but that was as far as I could go, especially since Marty was bringing his entire family along for the ride. Then Marty called back and said there were other viewing parties he might be interested in, particularly Tampa, where the hosts had blown out Tony (Dungy), a reliable if unspectacular guest, before they had secured Bill. Finally, I found out Marty’s wife didn’t want to leave her house, and though she’s rumored to be the brains behind Pa, I began to suspect that the Schottenheimers were going to be more trouble than they’re worth, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Undettered by my Marty setback, I placed a call to Jon (Gruden), who had already said he wasn’t going to be watching any more games in Oakland after next season. I thought I might be able to work a deal to bring Jon in before the Super Bowl. But Jon’s current host Al (Davis) had a bizarre list of demands to release Jon, including one involving first born children. Then Al said he might sue for the viewing party rights in my own home!

Meanwhile, game time was drawing near, and I was running out of buddies. There was a rumor that Jimmy (Johnson) was available, but he said he could only watch the first half, and he couldn’t even commit to that. My options were dwindling fast, but then I remembered good ol’ Norv (Turner). Norv’s a quiet guy who spends most of his time in the basement watching film of Doug Flutie trying to elude linemen who are twice Doug’s size. Strange.

But Norv’s available. I think he’ll show. He’ll watch for wings. Now I know how (Chargers’ GM) John (Butler) feels.

This column is Fair Game too. Send your comments to richace@home.com.