Remember the Mafia? Once upon a time, the federal government's top law enforcement honchos waged a Holy War against the insidious corruption of the CosaNostra and its criminal masterminds. The Gambinos, the Genoveses, the Columbos, the Bonannos. How their family names rolled across the tongue like a fine chianti.

During Prohibition, square-jawed, big stick crime fighters like Eliot Ness busted into warehouses on the Canadian border crammed with illegal hooch before it could be spirited across the border by Al Capone and his goombas.

Decades later, in an ironic career move, Attorney General Bobby Kennedy declared war on the mob. He planned to place his heel squarely on the necks of these bootleggers' sons, who had graduated to crimes involving gambling, drugs, prostitution, loan sharking, and similarly nefarious misdeeds.

Americans of Italian descent were "profiled" as mobster-funded pizza purveyors. Sensitive Hollywood made the Mob its bread and butter in turning out thousands of gangster films, capped off by the Godfather series, Good Fellas, and Casino. Even today, you can’t turn on the USA Network without seeing Joe Pesci stick a phone down somebody's throat.

It’s hard to imagine, but television once thought the exploits of the FBI rated an entire TV series. Now the FBI rates a few nervous laughs on Letterman. Now the dastardly criminal activity that once necessitated wiretaps and G-guys busting down doors unannounced has been reclassified as "victimless crime." Except for gambling, which has been given the federal stamp of approval in the form of Cuddly Indian "Gaming" Casinos.

Now, the new class of organized criminals are well-heeled Middle Easterners who aren’t looking to skip a few rungs on the ladder of the American Dream. They just want live here long enough to blow up our buildings and landmarks by flying airplanes into them.

Now, instead of solemnly pledging to rout Osama's Army, we have federal officials telling us there may be "sleeper cells" of terrorists in the U.S. These sleeper cells are so inscrutable and impenetrable that at least one of the Sept. 11th hijackers had a listing in the White Pages.

So where's the big, bad Federal response? We have cabinet officials promising that we will be attacked again, and informing us in advance there's apparently not a hell of a lot they can do about it. Where have you gone Eliot Ness, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.

It’s not as though the terrorists who we are assured are still here are even in hiding. The Sept. 11 hijackers managed to acquire and extend visas, attend flight schools, and collect traffic citations without undue interference from the Feds. Too busy cracking down on untaxed cigarettes and video piracy, I guess.

In a move of head-slapping stupidity, which went underreported given all the head-slapping stupidity that’s been going on recently, the FBI said it would be turning its attention away from the crimes it usually covers to try and get a handle on this terror thing. So, in case you missed it, if you were planning to rob a bank, this may be a good time.

The Feds of yore had no qualms about characterizing a meeting of three good fellas and an antipasto as Mafia activity. But today’s new, politically sensitive FBI is worried about profiling those Middle Easterners who want to learn how to fly Boeing 767s, with the exception of takeoffs and landings.

The government says it had pre Sept. 11th concerns about hijackings, but had not taken into account the suicide bomber hijacker. Your average everyday, run-of-the-mill hijacking in which the passengers are held terrified against their will and the pilot is directed to fly to someplace like Algeria — they thought something like that might happen, but weren’t about to disrupt air travel to stop it.

So, while terrorists plot disasters, the Feds shrug their shoulders. They dutifully report to us how vulnerable we are as we watch — the Sopranos.

Rich Acello is a syndicated columnist; you can reach him at richace@cox.net