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Gridlock Hangs In The Balance |
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Bill Simon had the smoking gun. It wasn’t a real gun, or a picture of a gun, but a photograph of Gov. Gray (the Human ATM) Davis accepting a check of all things in the sanctity of the Governor's office. To understand why a picture of Gray Davis accepting a check is about as suspenseful as Geraldo Rivera's head in Al Capone's vault, you must first be acquainted with California Election Law. Which prohibits taking checks in the Governor's office, but permits it on the roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain, behind the dumpster at the Loony Dune Winery and in the men's room at Dodgers' Stadium. Strange, then, that there are so few pictures of Davis accepting checks in the Governor's Mansion. That's what made Simon's assertion that he had the goods all the more amazing. But the plot thickens. The wily Simon, who kept reminding us that he's an ex-prosecutor, baited Davis at their only debate by asking him whether he had ever accepted such a gift. After the denial, Simon told the press he was going to produce the Kodak Moment. Which turned out to be Gray Davis accepting a check at a house in Santa Monica, only about 700 miles from the Governor's office in Sacramento. Let us giggle. Is it possible that Simon decided to lower the boom on Davis without actually having seen the photograph in question? Or, did someone show it to him? Did he ask his trusty operatives whether they had ever been to the Mansion? Is it possible that the picture was actually taken at the International House of Pancakes? Davis aired ad nauseam commercials claiming California is the fifth-largest economic beast on the planet. So shouldn't we be able to buy a better show than the One Hour Photo guy versus Pay for Gray? The award for the second dumbest political trick of the season goes to weasel types who caution against attacking Saddam until we’ve found Osama bin Laden. It’s like saying you'd like to take out Jesse James, but first we need to make sure we’ve captured all the other bank robbers. Presumably, if Osama were "found" at 12:00, we could justify action against Saddam at precisely 12:01. Talk about anal; as if we didn’t take on the Japanese and Hitler at the same time. Of course, these weasel warriors can’t tell you where Osama is hiding, but as stupid political tricks go, it’s a twofer. You can not only use the Osama argument to delay Saddam, you can also dump on the Afghan campaign by suggesting Osama is still at large…out there. Somewhere. Don't hold your breath waiting for that Al Jazeera video, though; if they had it, we would have seen it by now. In order to keep voters from falling off their seats laughing at stupid political tricks, we are always assured that this was the most important election since…the last election. The reason this time? The 50-50 split in the U.S. Senate. What really would have been important is if one of the parties were able to get over 60 of its members elected. But this year, all that hung in the balance was gridlock, and we love gridlock. And, after watching the campaigns, no need to wonder why. Rich Acello is a syndicated columnist; you can reach him at richace@cox.net
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