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Have I Got A Global Village For You! |
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Just when you thought the Internet had crashed as a source for exciting international finance, along come some truly unique and exotic opportunities from that epicenter of Global Village riches-Nigeria! How these titans of wealth managed to find me remains a mystery, but since my e-mail correspondents say they want to work with me exclusively — and that our contacts are to remain in the strictest confidence — I feel compelled to share them as a public service. Our first guest is a Dr. (Mr.) Jackson Obaseki, the Group Managing Director of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corp. Apparently, a Dr. Chief Godwin Aret Adams died after a "brife" (sic) illness, and that led to Dr. (Mr.) Obaseki seeking out the appropriate columnist for a windfall bonanza of $30 million U.S. dollars. Isn’t global finance great? The reason Obaseki has this oily jack floating around is an "overinvoiced" contract on construction of oil refinery substations. Somehow, the original $127 million contract was "manipulated" to read $157 million dollars. And now, he wants to unload the $30 million difference on yours truly. Who does this guy think I am, Martha Stewart? Dear Dr. (Mr.) Obaseki: I have received your thrilling e-mail seeking to transfer $30 million into my humble checking account. I’m certainly looking forward to doing international high finance with you, since my last venture into West African commerce has yet to bear fruit, or even leaves. In fact, I am embarrassed to admit that I invested in a telecommunications firm that bought the entire mobile communication franchise for a major West African nation. It all seemed very exciting until I realized that very few citizens of this country would be using their phones to order take out, for example, because there are very few take out restaurants in that part of the world. As for the oil, I am reminded of a story considering our President Bush, who was once in the business himself. He was attending a bible study group, and was asked if he could name the Prophets, to which he replied, "No one has seen a profit around here in years." If you can help me recoup my losses on the mobile phone company, though, I'd be much obliged. Globally yours, etc. Those who say opportunity knocks only once obviously aren’t acquainted with international global commerce. In fact, I recently heard from Dr. Henry Kodjo, Bill and Exchange Manager of the Bank of Togo. His department stumbled across an "abandoned sum" of $18.5 million dollars that belonged to a foreign customer who, tragically, and along with the rest of his family, died in a plane crash in 1997. "Since we got information about his death," says Kodjo, "we have been expecting his next of kin to come and claim the money," but apparently the foreign customer brought his whole family along for the ride and now they're coming to me because "we don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed Bill." Although it’s taken Mr. Kodjo five years to figure out that no one's coming for the booty, I am assured that I must "READ IT AND GET BACK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." Dear Dr. (Mr.) Kodjo: You guys must have some great banks in Togo. My bank (that is, the bank that I use as distinguished from the bank that I own) almost never calls to say they have $18 million lying around waiting to be taken away in a wheelbarrow they'll supply, if I open a checking account. Sometimes, they might spring for an ice scraper or even a toaster, but there's never any "unclaimed Bill" stuffed in the slots where the bread goes. I was confused by your last sentence "You should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer," etc. Does Togo have a nuclear program too? Yours in peace, etc. When the beast fails, bring in the beauty. That's the hook behind e-mail number three, from Princess Rose Ojo, daughter of Chief Ofem Ojo of Ogoni. Princess Rose says Dad was the king of the "highest oil producing area in Nigeria." Apparently, the chief was in the process of single-handedly bringing prosperity to Ogoni when all hell broke loose. "After the hanging of the Ogoni Nine by the late dictator General Sani Abacha, my father suffered stroke and died in March 27 of last year." But before the Chief drilled his last well, he called the Princess in to tell her he had $23,600,000 in dead presidents. "He advised me not to tell anybody except my mother, whois (one word) the last wife of the (6) six wives he married." Well, no wonder the Chief suffered a stroke. But here's the twist: "My mother did not bear any male child for him. Which implies that all my father's properties, companies, e.t.c. (sic), we have no share in them because my mother has no male child according to African Tradition….I am soliciting for your immediate assistance to get a Bungalow for us where I will live with my mother and sisters and advise me how I will invest the money overseas." Dear Rosie, We have a lot in common. You have $23.6 million and no brother. I am a male child with no $23.6 million sister. I can sure feel your pain, sitting on that kind of lucre. Let me suggest you contact one of our fine realtors in the United States. They can point you to listings in San Diego that run anywhere from $350,000 for a one-bedroom bungalow to $23.6 million for a bigger bungalow. If you aren’t picky about your neighborhood, though, you can find something via HUD in one of our "urban enterprise zones" for about $25,000. Not in San Diego, of course. If you ask me, I think your whole problem is with African Tradition. Awfully sexist, I'd say. What you need is a good lawyer. With the kind of bankroll you’re talking about, you should not only be able to get the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals to overthrow African Tradition, but you can probably get a loan from the World Bank for that cozy bungalow. Two more questions: do you get "Dallas" reruns where you live? And, do you know Dr. (Mr.) Obaseki? Rich Acello is a syndicated columnist; you can reach him at richace@cox.net
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